Enabling becomes less like making a choice to be helpful and more like helping in an attempt to keep the peace. Often, we think we’re helping others because we want to. It happens between partners in romantic relationships. “Enabling happens when you see a loved one making unhealthy life choices, so you assume the role of problem solver. Or that it’s necessarily problematic to help an adult child pay an overdue bill here or there.
Understanding Enabling Behavior
“You have to establish and maintain firm boundaries,” Dr. Borland advises. The more you spend time, energy and financial resources on others, the more effect it can have on your own well-being. There are consequences to our own well-being when we enable others.”
- For example, a partner might take on all the household chores and bills because their spouse refuses to contribute, thinking, “If I don’t do it, nothing will get done.”
- Embracing self-awareness, setting boundaries, and seeking support are essential steps in fostering healthier relationships and promoting personal growth for both the enabler and the person they aim to help.
- And it’s counterproductive to the person you’re trying to help.
- But if they tend to use money recklessly, impulsively, or on things that could cause harm, regularly giving them money can enable this behavior.
How to stop enabling a loved one
Not all experts agree on the amount of stages when it comes to enabling, but some include denial, compliance, control, and crisis. For example, a partner might take on all the household chores and bills because their spouse refuses to contribute, thinking, “If I don’t do it, nothing will get done.” Overcompensating involves neglecting one’s own needs and taking on the responsibilities and tasks of another person. Instead of learning to budget or manage their finances, the person becomes reliant on the rescuer, continuing the problem and creating an unhealthy dynamic. It keeps both people stuck—one avoiding responsibility and the other carrying more than they should. They might think, “It’s my job to protect him because we’re family,” but in reality, they’re shielding him from the consequences he needs to face to grow.
It is not uncommon for enablers to be unaware that what they are doing is actually unhelpful and allow the other person to continue their harmful behaviors. For example, an enabler might protect a person from facing the consequences of their actions and addiction because they think that that is the only way to keep them safe. This can also lead to a type of trauma bonding, where the enabler feels that they cannot stop enabling the person that they love without feeling that they abandoned them in their time of need. While it might feel like you’re helping in the moment, this behavior often makes it harder for the addicted person to change or grow. For example, giving money to a loved one who uses it for drugs or alcohol, or covering for someone’s bad behavior, are forms of enabling.
It can be very difficult to see a loved one face challenges with substance abuse. Enabling is very commonly seen in the context of substance abuse, substance use disorders, and addiction. Desperate enabling causes stress and difficult challenges for everyone involved. This stage is often filled with guilt, frustration, and overwhelming stress, but it can also be the first step toward acknowledging the need for change and setting healthier boundaries.
There’s often no harm in helping out a loved one financially from time to time if your personal finances allow for it. Enabling doesn’t mean you support your loved one’s addiction or other behavior. The term “enabler” generally describes someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior. But these behaviors often encourage the other person to continue the same behavioral patterns and not seek professional help. This is particularly the case if the funds you’re providing are supporting potentially harmful behaviors like substance use or gambling. In this case, an enabler is a person who often takes responsibility for their loved one’s actions and emotions.
Negative enabling happens when someone unintentionally supports harmful behavior by shielding a person from the consequences of their actions. Over time, this behavior can lead to toxic relationships, where one person becomes dependent and less accountable, and the enabler feels trapped or taken advantage of. If a loved one brings to your attention that your behavior may not be beneficial to you or the person you’re enabling, take some time to consider it. Enabling happens when you justify or support problematic behaviors in a loved one under the guise that you’re helping them. However, most people who engage in enabling behaviors do so unknowingly.
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- They may work with you in exploring why you’ve engaged in enabling behaviors and what coping skills you can develop to stop those.
- This resentment slowly creeps into your interactions with her kids.
- Parenting styles, like being overly protective or neglectful, and experiences of abuse can also lead someone to prioritize others’ needs over their own to avoid conflict or feel valued.
- For example, giving money to a loved one who uses it for drugs or alcohol, or covering for someone’s bad behavior, are forms of enabling.
- You might decide it’s better just to ignore the behavior or hide your money.
First is recognizing that you’re contributing to a cycle of enabling. The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme. That kind of thing happens sometimes, and it’s probably OK. There’s nothing wrong with helping others from time to time.
You’re looking to avoid conflict
The term “enabler” refers to someone who persistently behaves in enabling ways, justifying or indirectly supporting someone else’s potentially harmful behavior. In many cases, enabling begins as an effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time. It’s important to take steps to recognize this behavior and correct it by setting boundaries with the person, avoiding making excuses for them, letting them take responsibility for their actions, and encouraging them to get help. Becoming aware of enabling behavior is the first step towards change.
Our loved ones often come to us in a moment of crisis. They don’t get the opportunity to grow from their mistakes, and gain confidence in their own ability to handle tough situations. Usually, enabling happens accidentally. You can enable someone’s bad behavior in many ways, but it all boils down to the things you do to keep them in the status quo. What is enabling, and why is it unhelpful?
It also makes it harder for your loved one to ask for help, even if they know they need help to change. Denying the issue can create challenges for you and your loved one. You reassure them you aren’t concerned, that they don’t drink that much, or otherwise deny there’s an issue. They could say they’ve only tried drugs once or twice but don’t use them regularly. But the reason for the behavior doesn’t really matter. Your loved one tends to drink way too much when you go out to a restaurant.
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In the compliance stage, the enabler tries to comply or accommodate the other person’s destructive behaviors. Protecting enabling involves shielding the other person from the consequences of enabler psychology their actions. Often, enabling starts when a person tries to offer support to someone they care about because they know they are going through a difficult time.
Unfortunately, most people don’t have the skillset to navigate things like addiction appropriately. Enabling behavior is when someone unintentionally supports or encourages another person’s harmful habits or choices. When the term enabler is used, it is usually referring to drug addiction or alcohol misuse.
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Enabling behavior often stems from a place of love, fear, or a sense of responsibility. She specializes in helping those with sleep problems and anxiety disorders. Your compassion plus your boundaries will make the perfect balance for delivering your help, and you just might be planting that first seed towards their recovery. Asking these questions and encouraging thoughtfulness around them is not being stingy with your support. Your support may make all the difference between them spiraling further and starting to climb out.
Understanding Enabler Behavior: Motivations, Signs, and Strategies for Change
You may also justify their behavior to others or yourself by acknowledging they’ve gone through a difficult time or live with specific challenges. When someone you care about engages in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them. It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either. They may focus their time and energy on covering those areas where their loved one may be underperforming. In other words, enabling is directly or indirectly supporting someone else’s unhealthy tendencies. These are all examples of enabler behavior.
How to Spot and Stop Enabling Behavior
Let go of judgments and radically accept this person. We’re all human, and when someone we care about keeps sabotaging themselves, it’s easy to get frustrated. You’re also being a good role model for consistent behavior. Not sticking to your word about boundaries and limits In these moments, it can be hard not to feel compelled to do something.
Encourage them to get help
This resentment slowly creeps into your interactions with her kids. Over time you become angrier and more frustrated with her and with yourself for not being able to say no. Say your sister continues to leave her kids with you when she goes out. Your resentment may be directed more toward your loved one, toward the situation, both, or even yourself. You might say, “If you spend this money on anything other than rent, I’m not going to give you any more money.”