You might decide it’s better just to ignore the behavior or hide your money. Whether your loved one continues to drink to the point of blacking out or regularly takes money out of your wallet, your first instinct might be to confront them. But your actions can give your loved one the message that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior — that you’ll keep covering for them. If you believe your loved one is looking for attention, you might hope ignoring the behavior will remove their incentive to continue. Even if you personally disagree with a loved one’s behavior, you might ignore it for any number of reasons.
When a pattern of enabling characterizes a relationship, it’s fairly common for resentment, or feelings of anger and disappointment, to develop. Missing out on things you want or need for yourself because you’re so involved with taking care of a loved one can also be a sign you’re enabling that person. Because they also struggle with alcohol addiction, you tell yourself it’s the alcohol talking and they don’t really mean it. But if your help allows your loved one to have an easier time continuing a problematic pattern of behavior, you may be enabling them. When worried about the consequences of a loved one’s actions, it’s only natural to want to help them out by protecting them from those consequences.
How to Spot and Stop Enabling Behavior
But what exactly is an enabler, and how can you know whether you’ve engaged in enabling behaviors? Learning how to identify the main signs can help you prevent and stop enabling behaviors in your relationships. Embracing self-awareness, setting boundaries, and seeking support are essential steps in fostering healthier relationships and promoting personal growth for both the enabler and the person they aim to help. Do any of these enabling behaviors, often disguised as helpful behaviors, strike a chord? A lot of times, people don’t realize that they are enabling someone because they think they are helping. An example of an enabler can be someone who supports another person’s alcohol addiction.
Disconnecting from a loved one is a self-protective measure — and it’s usually a last resort Pointing out how their behavior makes you feel and giving them projects to own can help you both If you find yourself obsessing over rejection or a one-sided relationship, you’re likely stuck in limerence “Ending an enabling relationship requires assertiveness — the ability to say no,” Dr. Borland says. It’s not that you need to cut the person out of your life necessarily, but they need to know that they are no longer welcome to come to you for support.
But what my cousin–and those like her–was doing was not helping. They say, “If I don’t try to help, what will become of them? Their sympathy overflows, and they want so much to help their loved one. My cousin sacrificed her own future for him–she paid off his debts, nursed his health issues, and tried every which way to help him overcome his addictions.
How Do I Know If I Am Enabling Someone?
One of the biggest risks of being an enabler is that it can end up becoming extremely draining and distressing for both the enabler and the person being enabled. If they can rely on their enabler to keep them from facing consequences, it becomes incredibly difficult for them to build a enabler psychology healthier life on their own. An overprotective parent may become an enabler when they allow their child, even an adult child, to neglect responsibilities or continue doing things that are harmful to them. With codependency, a person relies on the other person for support in essentially all aspects of their life, especially emotionally. A person may want to help but at the same time not know when they need to set a boundary.
Lifestyle
Without setting healthy boundaries, these patterns can prevent both people from growing and lead to frustration, resentment, and burnout. They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility. They often step in to fix problems, shield loved ones from consequences, or avoid conflict, even when it causes them stress or exhaustion. For example, a helper might assist a loved one in finding a therapist or attending support meetings if they’re struggling with mental health or substance use issues. An enabler does things that the person should be able to do for themselves. One of the distinct differences between a helper and an enabler is that a helper does things for others when that person can’t do it themselves.
Other people tell you you’re enabling
Healing from childhood trauma is not a straight line — it’s a journey of remembering,… Receive weekly insights to help you and your loved ones on your road to recovery. However, enablers usually have good intentions that are misplaced, while abusers are typically trying to gain something over their victims. It is difficult to compare an enabler and an abuser because they are two different things. Emotional and psychological dependencies might be seen in a romantic relationship or a relationship between a parent and child. For example, this might look like constantly paying off the other person’s debts or irresponsible spending habits.
Innocent Enabling
“We don’t want to see our friends or family struggling. But enabling happens in many other contexts as well. That can be things like giving money to an adult child who hasn’t spent theirs wisely. Advertising on our site helps support our mission. When someone you love is struggling, it’s natural to want to help.
- Emotional and psychological dependencies might be seen in a romantic relationship or a relationship between a parent and child.
- Enabling usually refers to patterns that appear in the context of drug or alcohol misuse and addiction.
- It’s not that you need to cut the person out of your life necessarily, but they need to know that they are no longer welcome to come to you for support.
- They say, “If I don’t try to help, what will become of them?
Taking on more than your share of responsibilities
- He took her hard-earned money and gambled it away.
- “But it’s important to recognize when enough is enough and to make changes, for their good and your own.”
- They could say they’ve only tried drugs once or twice but don’t use them regularly.
- Now that you’ve relinquished control, turn your attention to the person you’re trying to help.
Motivations for enabling behavior can be complex and multifaceted, often involving a combination of factors. Below, we explore the motivations and psychological factors behind enabling behavior. Recognizing the pattern of enabler behavior is important because it can help us understand the role the enabler is playing in the person’s harmful habits. According to the American Psychological Association, an enabler is someone who permits, encourages, or contributes to someone else’s maladaptive behaviors. This blog explores the science behind enabling, how to recognize it, and its detrimental effects on individuals and their relationships.
Sometimes it may mean lending a financial hand to those you love. This may encourage them to continue acting the same way. You may find yourself running the other person’s errands, doing their chores, or even completing their work.
Instead of focusing on what you feel you did wrong, identifying concrete behaviors that might have excused your loved one’s actions could help. They may work with you in exploring why you’ve engaged in enabling behaviors and what coping skills you can develop to stop those. However, if you find yourself constantly covering their deficit, you might be engaging in enabling behaviors.
An enabler might do things because they fear that things will be worse if they don’t help them in the way that they do. In the desperate stage of enabling, the enabler is primarily motivated by fear. While the intention is to support the child, this behavior keeps them from learning responsibility, problem-solving skills, and the ability to manage their own challenges. For example, a partner might agree to buy alcohol for someone struggling with drinking, thinking, “If I don’t do it, they’ll get angry or find a way to get it anyway.” This stage is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, and it prevents both the enabler and the other person from addressing the issue. While this may keep things running smoothly in the short term, it allows the other person to avoid their responsibilities and creates an imbalance in the relationship.
The parent might think, “I’ve been trying so hard to help, but now I see it’s only made things worse.” Over time, this type of helicopter parenting can prevent the child from building confidence in their abilities. For example, a parent might repeatedly do their teenage child’s homework for them, thinking, “If I don’t help, they’ll fail their class and fall behind.” This often stems from a desire to keep the peace, diffuse tension, or avoid conflict, even though it continues unhealthy situations. For example, a parent might insist, “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’s not that bad,” even as their child’s substance use becomes more obvious. Other experts label the stages as innocent enabling and desperate enabling.
With codependency, a person is addicted to a relationship in a way where they rely excessively on another person. Help them celebrate their wins and promote healthy behaviors by doing things that are beneficial for both of you. One way to stop enabling a person with a mental health disorder is by first educating yourself on their condition. Being an enabler can take a toll on a person’s mental health, physical health, and overall well-being.